Ето какво е „целувката на смъртта“ за една връзка според психолози

На път от работа към къщи имате най-доброто намерение да посрещнете партньора си с приятелско „Здравей, как си? Как мина денят?“ и да слушате внимателно всичко, което той или тя ви разказва.

Но в мига, в който отворите вратата и оставите ключовете върху шкафа, се озовавате затънали до шия в спор за това защо е той или тя е купил такъв пипер, какъвто не трябва.

Не се тревожете: Подобни разправии са напълно нормални между партньорите от време на време, казва Джон Готман, психолог от Вашингтонския университет и основател на института Готман. Това, което се случва после, е нещото, за което трябва да внимавате.

Когато изразите пред партньора си недоволството за това, че е объркал какво трябва да купи, слушате ли го, когато ви обяснява, че може би не сте му казали точно какъв тип чушки сте искали да вземе? Премисляте ли ситуацията, за да откриете, че може би има право и извинявате ли сте, ако сте реагирали прибързано? Или възприемате нагласата, при която си казвате „Що за идиот може да не знае, че светлите чушки са за пържене, а тъмните – за печене?“

Ако се окажете във втората ситуация, вероятно изразявате презрение към партньора си, а това поставя връзката ви в опасност.

Презрението, зловредна смесица между гняв и отвращение, е много по-токсично от обикновеното недоволство и негативност. Това включва да виждате партньора си като по-долу от вас, а не като равен.

weГотман и Робърт Левенсън, психолог от Калифорнийския университет в Бъркли, са открили, че това единствено поведение е толкова мощно, че могат да го използват – наред с други отрицателни модели на поведение, като критиката, отбранителността и изолирането – за да предскажат развод с 93% точност.

„Презрението – казва Готман – е целувката на смъртта.“

Поразителният процент идва от 14-годишно изследване, проведено сред жителите на американския Среден запад (21 от които се развеждат през периода на изследването). Резултатите са публикувани през 2002 г.

Оттогава десетилетия наред изследвания върху брака и развода са подкрепили връзката между развода и определен тип отрицателно поведение.

Защо двойките, които демонстрират това поведение е по-вероятно да се разведат?

Всичко се свежда до комплекса за превъзходство.

Да се чувствате по-умни, или по-добри или по-чувствителни от човека до вас означава, че не само е по-малко вероятно да възприемате неговите мнения като валидни, но, което е по-важно, вие е много по-малко вероятно да се опитате да се поставите на негово място и да видите ситуацията от неговата перспектива.

Представете си резонаторна кутия, в която всеки от партньорите е източник на своите собствени музикални (или емоционални) вибрации. Ако всеки партньор се затвори към вибрациите (или емоциите) на другия и повече се интересува от това да разтовари собствените си чувства на отвращение и превъзходство, тези негативни вибрации ще резонират едни към други, ескалирайки една лоша ситуация „докато нещо не се счупи“ – казва Готман.

Ако сте забелязали, че вие или партньорът ви демонстрирате подобно поведение, не се отчайвайте – това не значи, че връзката ви е обречена.

Да бъдете наясно, че правите нещо, което може да се отрази отрицателно върху партньора ви, е първата стъпка към това да се борите активно с него. Ако можете да разберете как да избегнете поведението или да го заместите с по-положително, това може много да повлияе на връзката – и да увеличи шансовете да останете заедно по-дълго.

Източник: Business Insider

 

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